The CW would like to remind you of its existence

In news sure to interest your girlfriend (and mine, sadly), The CW has announced its fall premiere schedule. Since we gave blogspace to the announcements of ABC and FOX it is only fair to give you the premiere dates of the red-headed stepchild of major networks. Though to call The CW a major network is kind of like calling... Well, it's kind of like calling something what it isn't. Burn. Take this magical journey together with me: On September 8th we can travel back to the mid-nineties to visit two shows which weren't any good then, and yet somehow manage to be far worse now (don't worry, I've never watched a minute of either). The very next night you can leave your self respect at the door as you tune in to the four thousandth iteration of America's Next Top Model, which as far as I know has yet to yield a single "top model". You can always look forward to such luminaries as The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl. Stop me if you need a minute to contain your excitement. Oh, and Smallville is back. I kind of like that show. Shut up.

The full premiere schedule:

Tuesday, Sept. 8
8:00-9:00 p.m. 90210 (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Melrose Place (Series Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 9
8:00-10:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model (2-Hour Season Premiere)

Thursday, Sept. 10
8:00-9:00 p.m. The Vampire Diaires (Series Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Supernatural (Season Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 14
8:00-9:00 p.m. One Tree Hill (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Gossip Girl (Season Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 16
8:00-9:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model
9:00-10:00 p.m. The Beautiful Life (Series Premiere)

Friday, Sept. 25
8:00-9:00 p.m. Smallville (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model (Encore Episodes)

via Ausiello Files

Stop it.

I think at this point I couldn't honestly conceive of a more toxic combination than combining vampires with the CW, but I suppose it was only a matter of time. From the network that brought you this:















and this:















comes The Vampire Diaries, which I guess is based on a series of books which I didn't read (because I'm over the age of 13 and own a penis), which seems to be the pattern for these sorts of shenanigans. To spare you the pain of watching the "special extended preview" I sucked it up and sat through the entire five plus minutes. If you have a myspace page or are a masochist, I've embedded it at the conclusion of this post. For the rest of you, there's no need to bother, because they ran this baby through not one but TWO formula machines, and here's what we can glean just from the preview:

CW Checklist:

Texting: Check.

"Hawt" Guys: Check.
(bonus points for combining these first two)

Super Unrealistic High School Parties: Check.
(Side note: I don't know where these TV high school parties are taking place, but I went to high school and the parties always seemed to involve fewer bonfires and more Smirnoff Ice in someone's basement. But then again, I owned more than one Star Wars themed t-shirt.)

Edgy wise-cracking black best friend: Check.

Vampire checklist:

Misunderstood brooding love-interest: Check.

Graveyard: Check.

Totally into this really sweet girl who never hurt anybody but also conflicted by my super-evil vampire nature into wanting to suck her blood as a thinly veiled metaphor for the sexual repression of all involved: Check.

Slightly more evil also-vampire best friend/former best friend/relative who is way more gung ho about sucking the blood of the aforementioned really sweet girl and who the charming protagonist must ultimately tackle in the most effeminate way possible: Check.


Honestly, it's entirely possible that I'm wrong, but I seem to remember vampires used to be badass. Seriously, from the genre that brought you:






















and















I guess I was just hoping for more. And yes, I know I just referenced a video game as a contrast to how lame something is, but that's just how I roll. Let's face it, vampires are for girls now. I don't care whether you want to re-package it as Twilight or the Vampire MySpaces (honestly shocked they didn't go with that.. *calling CW*) it's still all the same re-processed crap, at least True Blood is brave enough to drop the pretense and be chock full o' boobs. As long as teenage girls keep digesting this crap, they're going to keep making it. I'd say the solution would be to get rid of all the teenage girls, but then who would Mike expose himself to at movie theaters? C'est la vie.


The extended preview: