NBC begins its assault on network TV September 14th

You mean we're finally done with these? Sweet. NBC is last in the line of major networks to release their premiere schedule. Which is just fine with me, because I've been saving up my vitriol for the only network who is actively trying to ruin television (most just do so passively). Look, don't get me wrong, NBC still has a ton of good shows. Probably the most good shows of any network. We can look forward to solid programming like Heroes, 30 Rock, The Office, and Chuck (midseason). There are also a few promising new shows like Community. But when you look past the quality programming, there it is staring you right in the face every night of the god damned week: The Jay Leno Show. NBC and that fat egotistical motherfucker are depriving us of five hours of primetime TV a week (and it's the good hours where you can allude to sex and almost swear if you're coy about it). That also means five shows worth of people who would have had jobs otherwise don't because of Jay Leno's ego. That would be one thing if he were funny, but newsflash: LENO SUCKS. 10pm Thursday night would have been the PERFECT place for you to air Mike's Pilot, peacock network. Now the world will never know what they're missing. I hope you're happy, NBC, I hope you're happy. Fuck you, Leno.

The full premiere schedule:

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
7-8:15 pm. – "Football Night in America"
8:15-11 pm – "NBC Sunday Night Football"

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW" (Series Premiere)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
8-10 pm – "The Biggest Loser"
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
8-8:30 pm - "Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday"
8:30-9 pm - "Parks and Recreation"
9-9:30 pm – "The Office"
9:30-10 pm – "COMMUNITY" (series premiere – moves to Thursdays 8-8:30 pm on October 8; "30 Rock" returns October 15, 9:30-10 pm)
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
8-10 pm – "Heroes" (two hour premiere, then TRAUMA premieres 9-10 pm Monday, September 28)
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
8-9 pm – "PARENTHOOD" (Series Premiere)
9-10 pm – "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
8-9 pm – "Law & Order"
9-10 pm – "Southland"
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8-9 pm – "Dateline NBC"
9-10 pm – "TRAUMA" (encore broadcast)
10-11 pm – "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (encore broadcast)
11:30 pm - 1:00 a.m. - "Saturday Night Live"

via The Live Feed

CBS has some procedurals, boring sitcoms for you

Favorite network of the idiotic, infirm, and your grandmother CBS has released their fall premiere schedule today. Since we like to try and cover all of these (after all, the posts practically write themselves and I don't get paid for this) we'll bring it to you here. With jokes. Which is something CBS doesn't have many of. Because all their shows are CSI, NCIS, or other sundry procedurals.. get it? Actually, if comedies are your thing, they have several top-rated crappy ones for you as well (we're looking at you, Two and a Half Men). If it weren't for official show of bambat How I Met Your Mother (and The Big Bang Theory, but don't tell Mike) this network would be completely unwatchable. Oh, Survivor is back too. Bully for you, CBS. The full premiere schedule:

Thursday, Sept. 17
8:00-9:00 PM SURVIVOR: SAMOA (19th Installment Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 21
8:00-8:30 PM HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (5th Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE (Series Debut)
9:00-9:30 PM TWO AND A HALF MEN (7th Season Premiere)
9:30-10:00 PM THE BIG BANG THEORY (3rd Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM CSI: MIAMI (8th Season Premiere)

Tuesday, Sept. 22
8:00-9:00 PM NCIS (7th Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM NCIS: LOS ANGELES (Series Debut)
10:00-11:00 PM THE GOOD WIFE (Series Debut)

Wednesday, Sept. 23
8:00-8:30 PM THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE
(5th Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM GARY UNMARRIED (2nd Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM CRIMINAL MINDS (5th Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM CSI: NY (6th Season Premiere)

Thursday, Sept. 24
9:00-10:00 PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (10th Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM THE MENTALIST (2nd Season Premiere)

Friday, Sept. 25
8:00-9:00 PM GHOST WHISPERER (5th Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM MEDIUM (Network Debut)
10:00-11:00 PM NUMBERS (6th Season Premiere)

Saturday, Sept. 26
8:00-9:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY
9:00-10:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY
10:00-11:00 PM 48 HOURS MYSTERY (Season Premiere)

Sunday, Sept. 27
7:00-8:00 PM 60 MINUTES (42nd Season Premiere)
8:00-10:00 PM THE AMAZING RACE (15th Edition Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM COLD CASE (7th Season Premiere)

Sunday, Oct. 4
9:00-10:00 PM THREE RIVERS (Series Debut)

via the live feed

The CW would like to remind you of its existence

In news sure to interest your girlfriend (and mine, sadly), The CW has announced its fall premiere schedule. Since we gave blogspace to the announcements of ABC and FOX it is only fair to give you the premiere dates of the red-headed stepchild of major networks. Though to call The CW a major network is kind of like calling... Well, it's kind of like calling something what it isn't. Burn. Take this magical journey together with me: On September 8th we can travel back to the mid-nineties to visit two shows which weren't any good then, and yet somehow manage to be far worse now (don't worry, I've never watched a minute of either). The very next night you can leave your self respect at the door as you tune in to the four thousandth iteration of America's Next Top Model, which as far as I know has yet to yield a single "top model". You can always look forward to such luminaries as The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl. Stop me if you need a minute to contain your excitement. Oh, and Smallville is back. I kind of like that show. Shut up.

The full premiere schedule:

Tuesday, Sept. 8
8:00-9:00 p.m. 90210 (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Melrose Place (Series Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 9
8:00-10:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model (2-Hour Season Premiere)

Thursday, Sept. 10
8:00-9:00 p.m. The Vampire Diaires (Series Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Supernatural (Season Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 14
8:00-9:00 p.m. One Tree Hill (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Gossip Girl (Season Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 16
8:00-9:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model
9:00-10:00 p.m. The Beautiful Life (Series Premiere)

Friday, Sept. 25
8:00-9:00 p.m. Smallville (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model (Encore Episodes)

via Ausiello Files

FOX would like your attention, please

FOX has just rolled out their fall premiere schedule, and since this is ostensibly a blog about television, I figured I would pass it along. The full schedule is below. One thing you'll notice is the lack of new shows. Of the new offerings here, one is called Glee and the other involves Michael Strahan in a starring role. I know, I thought it was a joke too. Thank god for Fringe and Dollhouse, or this network might be truly unwatchable. Oh, don't worry bro, they didn't cancel your Jack Bauer. 24 returns in midseason alongside such luminaries as Human Target and some show about people singing to a British guy. I can't wait either.

Saturday, Sept. 12
8:00-8:30 PM ET/PT COPS (Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM ET/PT COPS (All-New Episode)
9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT AMERICA’S MOST WANTED (Season Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 16
8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT GLEE (Series Premiere)

Thursday, Sept. 17
8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT BONES (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT FRINGE (Season Premiere)

Friday, Sept. 18
8:00-8:30 PM ET/PT BROTHERS (Series Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM ET/PT ‘TIL DEATH (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT DOLLHOUSE (Season Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 21
8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT HOUSE (2-Hour Season Premiere)

Sunday, Sept. 27
8:00-8:30 PM ET/PT THE SIMPSONS (Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM ET/PT THE CLEVELAND SHOW (Series Premiere)
9:00-9:30 PM ET/PT FAMILY GUY (Season Premiere)
9:30-10:00 PM ET/PT AMERICAN DAD (Season Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 28
8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT HOUSE (All-New Episode)
9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT LIE TO ME (Season Premiere)

Tuesday, Sept. 29
8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT HELL’S KITCHEN (All-New Episode)
9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (Time Period Premiere)

Tuesday, Oct. 27
8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (Time Period Premiere)

Saturday, Nov. 7
11:00 PM-Midnight ET/PT THE WANDA SYKES SHOW (wt) (Series Premiere)

via Hollywood Reporter

ABC HAS *YAWN* SHOWS

ABC announced their *yawn* fall premiere dates. And aside from Flash Forward and Saturday Night Football, which begin 8pm Thursday, September 24th and 8pm Saturday (duh!), September 5th, there's really nothing to see here. Even then, with the cancellation of Pushing Daisies, I really have nothing good to say about the Alphabet. And look at this schedule.

Three nights (in a row!) of Dancing With the Stars? You've got to be kidding me. It looks like a load of reality crap with some mundane sounding (comedy?) shows-- Modern Family, Hank, and The Middle-- tossed in. Now I don't know anything about any of those and based on those titles, why would I want to? There's also some Courtney Cox thing about cougars. It's the third legitimate TV child of Bill Lawrence (not counting that little bastard Clone High) after Spin City and Scrubs so it might be worth a look. It's called Cougar Town so I can only assume it's another animated series about talking cats. Basically Samurai Pizza Cats with some of the cast from Friends. I'm now being told "cougar" has another meaning. This show isn't about cats at all.

Saturday, September 5

8:00 p.m.-11:30 p.m. “Saturday Night Football”

Friday, September 11
10:00-11:00 p.m. 20/20

Monday, September 21
8:00-10:00 p.m. “Dancing With the Stars”
10:00-11:00 p.m. “Castle”

Tuesday, September 22
8:00-10:00 p.m. “Dancing With the Stars” (special two-hour episode)
10:00-11:00 p.m. “The Forgotten”

Wednesday, September 23
8:00-9:00 p.m. “Dancing With the Stars The Results Show” (special day and time)
9:00-9:30 p.m. “Modern Family”
9:30-10:00 p.m. “Cougar Town”

Thursday, September 24
8:00-9:00 p.m. “Flash Forward”
9:00-10:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

Sunday, September 27
7:00-9:00 p.m. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (two-hour season premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. “Desperate Housewives”

Tuesday, September 29
8:00-9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank” (returns to its regular timeslot after being preempted the week prior)
9:00-10:00 p.m. “Dancing With the Stars The Results Show” (regular day and time period premiere)

Wednesday, September 30
8:00-8:30 p.m. “Hank”
8:30-9:00 p.m. “The Middle”

Sunday, October 4
7:00-8:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

Friday, October 9
8:00-10:00 p.m. “Ugly Betty” (two-hour season premiere)

Friday, October 16
8:00-9:00 p.m. “Supernanny”

Yeah yeah. ABC saved Scrubs. Well, they also kept According to Jim on for 8 seasons. Yeah yeah. ABC has Lost. Well, for every Lost there are two Grey's Anatomy and one Ugly Betty. Your argument is invalid.

[ed: This seems like a good place to put Jimmy Kimmel's hilarious monologue at the ABC upfronts in case you missed it the first time around. And since bambat didn't exist then. -brett ]

Source: Hollywood Reporter