Stop shooting your TVs, Mormons

Following the digital transition, officials in Utah are apparently worried that people might use their old, useless tvs for shootin' practice. So worried in fact, that they've issued a directive that people, you know, NOT do that:

With the recent switch to all digital television, there are plenty of TVs collecting dust. The BLM warns that electronic devices like TVs, computer monitors and even cell phones potentially toxic elements. If they're not disposed of properly, the devices pose a threat to the environment. Officials say it can cost up to seven-grand to clean-up a shot-up TV set.

Seriously? Seven grand to clean up a TV? I'm clearly in the wrong industry. In lieu of this, I'm officially announcing the closing of bambat so that I can head West and earn my fortune as a TV cleaner-upper. Wish me luck, loyal readers, I leave this land a mere boy but when I return.. I shall be a man.

Alternatively, just stop shooting your TVs, Cleetus.

via digtriad

10 Things I Hate About A Slow News Day

You know its a slow boring Monday when bambat covers something related to ABC Family, but here we are. I'm sure I wouldn't be the only heterosexual male to admit that "10 Things I Hate About You" was a pretty decent movie, as far as rom-com Shakespeare adaptations starring Julia Stiles go. But at no point during the watching of that movie did I ever think "gee, this would be even better if you stretched it out over 20ish episodes and put it on ABC Family." Apparently I should have been more forceful, since they've gone ahead and done just that, remaking 10 Things I Hate About You as a TV series (for tweens). The trailer:



Wow, so its the exact same plot as the movie only with less attractive women. Isn't the token black chick the same token black chick who tried to ruin the Season Two of Heroes? My favorite part is that its the same dad from the movie, as if he had nothing better to do ten years later. And the artsy kid in the hat is back. That's nice...

The trailer I posted also featured some dialogue between the older sister and her lone boyfriend. This is what they had:

Artsy misunderstood girl: Why are people scared of you?
Artsy misunderstood guy: Why are people scared of you?

The end of this exchange is actually:

Artsy misunderstood girl: People are not scared of me.
Artsy misunderstood guy: That's why I find you interesting.

No joke. It's in this trailer (if you can stomach another). If you're still at all interested after reading all that, it premieres July 7th. Heaven help you.

Oops, you forgot to watch Virtuality

Considering that it aired in the Summer.. On a Friday night.. And that it was a sci-fi show.. And that it had already been canceled prior to airing.. I don't know whether anyone should be surprised that essentially no one tuned in to FOX on Friday to watch the "pilot" of Virtuality. The latest opus from Ronald D. Moore, genius behind Battlestar Galactica, was a ratings dud. The grim stats:

The two-hour premiere of Ron Moore's sci-fi pilot drew only 1.8 million viewers and received a 0.5 adult demo rating -- tying ABC's "The Goode Family" as the lowest-rated program on a major broadcast network Friday night and putting Fox into fourth place for the evening.

It's a shame you had better things to do America, because I watched it and it was fantastic. No surprise there. Of course, the bittersweet thing is that it left me wanting so much more. More than I will never receive because you, America, would rather watch terrible television or go out and have lives on a Friday night. If you'd like to watch the pilot anyway, it's on Hulu. Maybe if enough people watch it there, it'll get picked up somewhere. I'm not holding my breath. I'll never understand why they didn't just air this on Sci-Fi. Screw you, America.

via The Live Feed

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT DEATH*

...four to go...

Picking up where Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett left off in the trend of "People whose deaths you care less about than Michael Jackson", TV pitch man Billy Mays was found dead in his home this morning. According to FOX News:

Mays was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Fla., home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Tampa Police Department.

Police said there were no signs of forced entry to Mays' residence and foul play is not suspected. Authorities said an autopsy should be complete by Monday afternoon.

In a disturbing twist, he'd left the TV on the night before and ended up (not) waking up to his own infomercial. I hate when that happens. I never liked when news sites report dead people as being "found". That doesn't sound like it takes any effort at all. And who's really looking for dead people? I prefer when corpses are discovered. That makes it more exciting, like there's a bit of adventure involved, possibly a rag tag group of kids or minorities.

Oh and RIP.

Source: FOX News


*I stole that headline from a friend of mine who doesn't want to be named. So many people read bambat, he'd be afraid of the publicity.

The Summer of Couch Part III: Dexter

Note: This is part three in our ongoing series The Summer of Couch


Show: Dexter
Network: Showtime
Still on Air: Yes
Seasons: Three (Fourth premiers in September)
Episodes I got through: All of them
Rating: 5/5

What I Loved: It would seem incredibly lazy to just put "everything", but that would accurately sum it up. I've already made my feelings for this show pretty clear on this blog since my Emmy picks nominated not only the show but Michael C. Hall as well. I don't know how I missed it for its first three seasons. Oh wait, no Showtime On Demand. Well, I've corrected that mistake now and I suggest you do the same. This show is delightfully humorous, witty, creepy, and most importantly downright entertaining. Rooting for a serial killer is oddly cathartic in a way which makes me kind of worried for my friends and family. But just like Dexter, if I ever snap and go on a killing spree, it will only be for great justice. Probably. Oh, and if you spotted the nerdy reference in the last sentence, you are officially invited to my next Lord of the Rings marathon. BYOL (longbottom leaf).

What I Hated: Not much. Well, I guess I have to find something, so I'll say that some of the other cast beyond Hall are kind of weak. I'm not especially fond of the actress who plays his sister (otherwise known as his wife in real life). Although I may be alone in that since she just won a Saturn Award. For what that's worth. Really, there's not much to complain about here, the show is awesome. I gave it five out of five, see. Watch it.

The Verdict: It's nice to finally do a Summer of Couch write-up on a show I was actually able to stomach. A welcome relief after sitting through the last two. Dexter has been officially added to my regular docket of shows for the Fall (and consequently will receive preferential coverage here, of course). Look forward to my next review, which will probably be back to me hating things. Because that's what I do.

Clip:

STIFF UPPER CLIP

This is your weekly clip post. Don't you love Fridays?




No, but seriously, here is your clip. Mike really likes this show:

Lisa it's your birthday! Happy birthday Lisa!

RIP Leon Kompowsky. Gone but not forgotten.

Networks Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' (making money)

As you might have predicted, every single channel on television is planning to air a tribute tonight to Michael Jackson, who died yesterday (you might have heard):

ABC, CBS and NBC are reworking their primetime lineups tonight to make room for coverage of the singer and the passing of actress Farrah Fawcett.

ABC News plans two hours devoted to Jackson and Fawcett. The network has announced a special "20/20" called "The Life and Death of Michael Jackson" at 9 p.m. with Barbara Walters and Martin Bashir anchoring. Bashir came to the network after his 2003 documentary "Living With Michael Jackson" scored a large audience for the network. At 10 p.m., ABC's previously planned special "Farrah Fawcett: Her Life, Her Loves, Her Legacy" will air. Additional reporting will continue on “Nightline,” at 11:35 p.m., ET.

NBC News plans a two-hour episode of "Dateline" starting at 9 p.m. devoted to Jackson and Fawcett. NBC News' Ann Curry and Meredith Vieira will anchor the tribute. On Friday, NBC plans to rebroadcast "Farrah's Story," a two-hour documentary about Farrah Fawcett's battle with cancer.

CBS News currently plans a one-hour news special at 10 p.m., also titled "The Life and Death of Michael Jackson."

First of all, we can drop the pretense that anyone cares about Farrah Fawcett at this point. She didn't even get her own death post. Second, I can't believe that ABC missed the opportunity to title their special "Easy as 123". These sorts of oversights wouldn't happen if I was in charge of television. In addition to the above, FOX will be re-airing the episode of American Idol where people sang Michael Jackson songs. You can decide for yourself whether to enjoy the irony of the death of the King of Pop being honored by the vehicle thats making pop irrelevant one screaming tween at a time.

I'm glad the networks have given this a tv angle so we can cover it here (not that we wouldn't have anyway), but let's not dilude ourselves into thinking this is about anything other than cashing in for them. If you don't believe me, stay tuned for my post about which special got the best ratings.

via The Live Feed

THIS LOOKS PROMISING

There are a lot of reasons to get excited for HBO's new original series Bored to Death. The biggest is the cast. Jason Schwartzman plays an alcoholic writer who moonlights as a private detective. Zach Galifianakis, coming off the red hot (and highly recommended by me) film The Hangover plays his comic book writer friend. Kristen Wiig and the adorable Parker Posey represent the womenfolk. And Ted Danson rounds out the ensemble. The trailer looks a little quirky, too. But who am I kidding, I'd watch these guys in anything. Look out for it this fall. And look out in general so you don't fall. That's just good advice.

JACKSON GETS ENOUGH, STOPS

Today, as you may have read everywhere, or, if you're like me, heard shouted around the office, Michael Jackson died. No word on whether this post by Brett had anything to do with it. Now obviously, this isn't really a time for jokes, so instead I have a poem I'd like to share.

God told him "Don't you ever come around here.
Don't wanna see your face. You better disappear."
The fire left Jackson's eyes.
God's words were really clear.
Now, don't be a macho man.
Be tough. Do what you can.
I mean, no one wants to be defeated,
but sometimes your fight just isn't
funky strong enough.

Phew. That was emotional. Thanks for indulging me, guys. RIP Wacko Jacko.

SUPER SUAVE, VANILLA CAKES

I don't know who came up with the brilliant idea to make porno versions of TV sitcoms, but my hat's off. You really have to respect what they've done with Scrubs: A XXX Parody. The names are brilliant, D.J. (instead of J.D.), the Tedd (the Todd), and my favorite Dr. Cocks (obviously). The Tedd wears a bandana and even has the same tattoo as Todd. There's some voiceover from D.J. and I assume people even have sex at some point (not confirmed by the SFW promo). The faithfulness to the source material really surprised me.

If Scrubs isn't your cup of tea, what the fuck is wrong with you then maybe you'll enjoy The Office: A XXX Parody. It's not as faithful. The Michael Scott character is replaced by a hot chick (how dare they!) and subtlety goes out the window when she openly encourages inter-office fucking. This one has some NSFW language. Look for Brett's full review of each when his hand cramp goes away.

Xenu in your TV

Just when I was running out of things to mock (as if), Scientology decides to scream back into my life and start airing television commercials once again, which they haven't done in some time. I can pretty much submit this video without comment, other than to mention that they actually aired this in the actual real world on an actual channel (CNN that I know of). Get your checkbooks ready, heathens:

AMC sticking with this "having shows" thing

I've always been pretty clear on the fact that AMC stood for "American Movie Classics", which to me always meant that they showed, you know, movies. Then suddenly they decided to start airing original series. And then it turned out that people really liked these series, and they started winning all sorts of Emmys and stuff like that, and now it seems AMC would like to do this some more. Anyway, from the network that brought you the critically acclaimed Mad Men and Breaking Bad comes Rubicon:

"Rubicon," from writer Jason Horwitch and Warner Horizon and directed by Allen Coulter, zeroes in on New York analyst Will Travers (James Badge Dale, "24") who uncovers a clue to an unfolding global conspiracy while working at a national think tank. Miranda Richardson and Lili Taylor have also been tapped to star in the 12-episode series that is set to air next year.

Damnit, I really thought this was going to be about Rome in some way, since shows about Rome always seem to feature copious amounts of sex. This premise doesn't seem like it will include copious amounts of sex. Nor will it join AMC's other shows in capturing the critical "meth addict" and "make inappropriate comments about women and darkies" demographics. I bet you that people will watch it anyway, Emmy voters will blow a load, and that jerk in my office will tell me every five minutes I need to watch it. Thanks a million, AMC. I liked you better when you just aired Die Hard 2 on a 24-hour loop.

via New York Post (I couldn't believe it either)

NBC begins its assault on network TV September 14th

You mean we're finally done with these? Sweet. NBC is last in the line of major networks to release their premiere schedule. Which is just fine with me, because I've been saving up my vitriol for the only network who is actively trying to ruin television (most just do so passively). Look, don't get me wrong, NBC still has a ton of good shows. Probably the most good shows of any network. We can look forward to solid programming like Heroes, 30 Rock, The Office, and Chuck (midseason). There are also a few promising new shows like Community. But when you look past the quality programming, there it is staring you right in the face every night of the god damned week: The Jay Leno Show. NBC and that fat egotistical motherfucker are depriving us of five hours of primetime TV a week (and it's the good hours where you can allude to sex and almost swear if you're coy about it). That also means five shows worth of people who would have had jobs otherwise don't because of Jay Leno's ego. That would be one thing if he were funny, but newsflash: LENO SUCKS. 10pm Thursday night would have been the PERFECT place for you to air Mike's Pilot, peacock network. Now the world will never know what they're missing. I hope you're happy, NBC, I hope you're happy. Fuck you, Leno.

The full premiere schedule:

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
7-8:15 pm. – "Football Night in America"
8:15-11 pm – "NBC Sunday Night Football"

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW" (Series Premiere)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
8-10 pm – "The Biggest Loser"
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
8-8:30 pm - "Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday"
8:30-9 pm - "Parks and Recreation"
9-9:30 pm – "The Office"
9:30-10 pm – "COMMUNITY" (series premiere – moves to Thursdays 8-8:30 pm on October 8; "30 Rock" returns October 15, 9:30-10 pm)
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
8-10 pm – "Heroes" (two hour premiere, then TRAUMA premieres 9-10 pm Monday, September 28)
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
8-9 pm – "PARENTHOOD" (Series Premiere)
9-10 pm – "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
8-9 pm – "Law & Order"
9-10 pm – "Southland"
10-11 pm – "THE JAY LENO SHOW"

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8-9 pm – "Dateline NBC"
9-10 pm – "TRAUMA" (encore broadcast)
10-11 pm – "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (encore broadcast)
11:30 pm - 1:00 a.m. - "Saturday Night Live"

via The Live Feed

Obligatory "these people died" post

Rather than give you a post every time someone who worked in television died, we're just going to wait until three of them do and group them together. Because:

A) You don't really care
B) Lots of people die

So who died this week?

Lorena Gale - 51 - Stomach Cancer

You might remember her from: Various guest starring / recurring roles in shows like The X-Files and Battlestar Galactica.

Farrah Fawcett - 62 - Anal Cancer [ed: teehee]

You might remember her from: Charlie's Angels, other stuff, this poster.

Ed McMahon - 86 - Various health problems (aka he was old)

You might remember him from: 30 years as the announcer on The Tonight Show, Star Search

America hates policy, loves drivel

In news sure to surprise exactly no one, ABC's special on President Obama's health-care town hall meeting which aired last night was watched by what amounts to zero people (roughly). The Live Feed brings us the grim statistics:

The one-hour ABC News special "Primetime: Questions for the President: Prescription for America" (4.7 million viewers, 1.1 preliminary adults 18-49 rating) had the fewest viewers in the 10 p.m. hour. The special tied some 8 p.m. comedy repeats as the lowest-rated program on a major broadcast network.

So essentially, Americans can't be bothered to tune in for a Q&A with the leader of the free world about something that will undoubtedly affect their future, but 10.6 million made the time to tune in to watch two morons get divorced. This is usually where I would say something sanctimonious about weeping for America's future, but I didn't watch either. What was I doing last night? I'm not telling.*






*Your mom, obviously.


via The Live Feed

Brett's Emmy Picks: Best Drama Series

Our official bambat Emmy picks are beginning to wind down (once lazy-ass Mike catches up with the women's side of things). Today we bring you the first of the "best series" categories - Best Drama. As it turns out, I ended up picking one show from each of the major networks except CBS (because CBS is for old people), one from basic cable, and one from premium cable. This was not intentional, though I like the even distribution. You'll also notice these are all high concept Sci-Fi shows (except one, which is close enough). Whatever, deal with it. Without further ado, the nominations:








Heroes - NBC

Previous Nominations: 2008

From looking at the rest of the list, it should be pretty evident that this was the 5th and final nomination I chose. I'm certainly not going to deny that at times during its three-season run, Heroes has been downright dreadful. But at the same time, it is capable of as much brilliance as any other show on TV. Just watch Season One which was, justifiably, nominated for a "real" Emmy. No show on network TV was more adversely affected by the writers strike than Heroes, which basically had to scrap their entire Season Two storyline. It really took them more than a full season to recover. In truth, this nomination stems from the latter half of Season Three more than the first half. The show started slowly but by the end it had reminded us why the first season was among the best on TV and the show displayed so much promise. While it hasn't entirely regained my trust yet, it's well on its way.















Lost - ABC

Previous Nominations: 2005 (won), 2008

If I had any say in the matter, Lost would have been nominated for an Emmy every year of its existence not just in its first (when it won) and fourth seasons. Except for the somewhat-mediocre Season Three (again, blame the writers strike) this has been the best drama on network television five years running, bar none. Season Five was just as good, if not better, than any of the seasons that came before it. I credit a lot of this to the set enddate the show now operates with. The writers and producers now know exactly how long they have to wrap up their story, and more than ever seem to know exactly where they're going. Season Five's convoluted plotlines may have alienated many casual fans, but that's just fine with me. Lost has always truly been a show for the hardcore audience, and the more they embrace that, the better. They embraced that this season, and deserve a nomination for it. My greatest regret is that there's only one left.








Battlestar Galactica - Sci-Fi Channel

Previous Nominations: None

Regular readers of bambat will not be surprised at all by this nomination. I make no bones about the fact that Battlestar Galactica is my favorite show. Of course, it will never win (or likely even be nominated) for a real Emmy because they hate science fiction. Its a shame too, because anyone who hasn't watched this show is missing one of the most compelling pieces of television, nay, art ever created. To call Battlestar anything less than a masterpiece would be a disservice. Now that its four-season run has come to an end, it can be looked back on with appreciation for just what it was: one of the three or four best shows of any genre to ever air on American television. No hyperbole there, I promise you. I think the best testament to this show is that I have introduced it to a lot of people over the last year or so as its been winding down. People with disparate interests and tastes in television. Not a single one has done anything short of fall in love with it. If I may channel my inner geek: Best. Show. Ever.














Dexter - Showtime

Previous Nominations: 2008

Of all the shows on this list, Dexter is the newest one to me. I've only recently started catching up with it (thanks Showtime On Demand!) for the Summer of Couch (review coming soon). I blew through the three seasons of this show like only a nerd possessed is capable of, and just wow. This show is an absolute tour de force, mostly due to the incredibly strong performance of Michael C. Hall (who justifiably earned a nod in his own right in my best actor picks). While a show about a serial killer might seem a little macabre to you - and don't get me wrong, it is - it is also charming, witty, and thoroughly entertaining. Season Three was just as strong as the first two, featuring the amazing talents of Jimmy Smits as the shows primary guest star for the season (for which he just won a Saturn Award). In my eyes, this is the best show on the premium channels since the end of The Wire, and if you have access, I think its worth a look. Otherwise download it illegally you're out of luck.








Fringe - FOX

Previous Nominations: None

This show and I had a very weird relationship this year. Because it was a JJ Abrams joint, I of course was eager to check it out from the outset. I watched the first half of the season religiously until the hiatus, which as is far too typical these days was far too long (more shows should follow the 24/Lost model, and I think more will). By the time the show came back I had sort of lost track of it, and was watching too many other things to get back into it. Then once the season ended I blew through the whole second half of the show in a weekend, which made me question why I had ever fallen out of it in the first place. There's no doubt in my mind that this was the strongest new series of the year, and usually that's good enough for an Emmy nod on its own. But I don't want to sell Fringe short. It was hyped as being a spiritual successor to The X-Files, and it really is just as good and at least in its first season really exceeded that show in many ways. It also gets bonus points for featuring a twist ending which caused controversy among the way-too-sensitive crowd. If you don't know what I mean just google "fringe + panties in a bunch."

The Pick:

If you read the preceding write-ups, it should be pretty clear already what show I'm picking, so I won't beat around the bush. Battlestar Galactica was more than just a show for nerds (although we do love it, believe me). It was one of the most compelling, original (I know that seems odd given its a remake, but its similarities to the original are only cosmetic), and fascinating shows ever to air on television. Its final season, though it was split in two and separated by what seemed to be about two and a half millenia, was a fitting end to this epic saga. I have nothing more to say - the show is amazing, it was the best show on television this year. The end.

Further proof nerds are better than you

As you are probably blissfully unaware, the 35th annual Saturn Awards took place last night. The Saturns are known as either the awards for nerds, or the award show that actually rewards good television and movies rather than crap like Grey's Anatomy and Slumdog Millionaire. I've presented the list of major TV winners below and hey, wouldn't you know it, it's all shows that yours truly loves! If it weren't enough that they gave props to such excellent shows as Lost, Dexter, Heroes and Battlestar Galactica; they also put a big old dweeb cherry on top by giving a lifetime achievement award to... Wait for it... Leonard Nimoy! The only way this award show could be more orgasmic for nerds like me is if Summer Glau presented every award in a Princess Leia gold bikini.

Full list of TV winners below (follow the link if you want the movie winners. spoiler: just as nerdy):

THE WINNERS OF THE 35TH ANNUAL SATURN AWARDS

Television Series:
"Lost"

Syndicated/Cable Television Series:
"Battlestar Galactica"

Actor on Television:
Edward James Olmos ("Battlestar Galactica")

Actress on Television:
Mary McDonnell ("Battlestar Galactica")

Supporting Actor on Television:
Adrian Pasdar ("Heroes")

Supporting Actress on Televison:
Jennifer Carpenter ("Dexter")

Guest Starring Role on Television:
Jimmy Smits ("Dexter")

The Lifetime Achievement Award:
Leonard Nimoy

via Variety

SCRUBS: THE COLLEGE YEARS

Yeah yeah. There is a certain bambat bias that leans in the direction of shows like Scrubs (read: good shows). But who cares. It's not like there are that many big TV news stories in the summer anyway, so deal with it. More Scrubs.

This article comes to us via Spoiler TV. They say it comes from Ausiello at Entertainment Weekly, but since I can't find it on his site, we'll say they made it up. [UPDATE: it's from Korbi TV] But speculation sure is fun. Brett already told you Scrubs would be moving from the hospital to the classroom. But there's oh so much more.

Sacred Heart won't disappear completely though. Dr. Cox and Dr. Turk's students will end up seeing several familiar faces while doing rotations there every now and then... Braff, Sarah Chalke (Elliot), Judy Reyes (Carla) and Ken Jenkins (Dr. Kelso) have signed on to appear as guest stars throughout the season.

Well that's good news. What about the janitor and Jordan?

Neil Flynn (The Janitor) and Christa Miller (Jordan) have both landed series regular roles on new sitcoms, however Christa can do double duty on "Scrubs" since her new gig is Lawrence's other show, "Cougar Town," which will film right next door.

Sounds great. Can it get better? Maybe.

As for last season's newbies, Eliza Coupe, Betsy Beutler, Sonal Shah and Todd Bosley, the interns who were once rumored to be "Scrubs" future, I'm told Coupe will likely be the only one considered to return in some regular capacity.

Thank god the hot funny one is back. I'll be sure to tune in.

Insiders tell me the producers are busy brainstorming a new name for the show as well... something that will probably include "Scrubs," but somehow distinguish that it's different from the show we've watched for the last eight years.

If I can find it. Oh and one final thing.

The med students will be comprised of actors new to the "Scrubs" family, though casting has not yet begun. Lawrence did, however, mention that ABC is encouraging them to hire one big name, someone recognizable.

Sources close to the series tell me "Gilmore Girls"' Lauren Graham is currently at the top of their wish list.

Well fuck me. I don't know what to think here. I used to like Graham. Never really watched Gilmore Girls but she seemed cute and funny. Then I heard what a total bitch she is in real life, and I just can't bring myself to care much about her. Maybe she'll be good maybe she won't. bambat will tune in and you can be sure we'll let you know how it works out.

Sorry for the long post, but it's Scrubs so suck it.

Source: Spoiler TV

CBS has some procedurals, boring sitcoms for you

Favorite network of the idiotic, infirm, and your grandmother CBS has released their fall premiere schedule today. Since we like to try and cover all of these (after all, the posts practically write themselves and I don't get paid for this) we'll bring it to you here. With jokes. Which is something CBS doesn't have many of. Because all their shows are CSI, NCIS, or other sundry procedurals.. get it? Actually, if comedies are your thing, they have several top-rated crappy ones for you as well (we're looking at you, Two and a Half Men). If it weren't for official show of bambat How I Met Your Mother (and The Big Bang Theory, but don't tell Mike) this network would be completely unwatchable. Oh, Survivor is back too. Bully for you, CBS. The full premiere schedule:

Thursday, Sept. 17
8:00-9:00 PM SURVIVOR: SAMOA (19th Installment Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 21
8:00-8:30 PM HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (5th Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE (Series Debut)
9:00-9:30 PM TWO AND A HALF MEN (7th Season Premiere)
9:30-10:00 PM THE BIG BANG THEORY (3rd Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM CSI: MIAMI (8th Season Premiere)

Tuesday, Sept. 22
8:00-9:00 PM NCIS (7th Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM NCIS: LOS ANGELES (Series Debut)
10:00-11:00 PM THE GOOD WIFE (Series Debut)

Wednesday, Sept. 23
8:00-8:30 PM THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE
(5th Season Premiere)
8:30-9:00 PM GARY UNMARRIED (2nd Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM CRIMINAL MINDS (5th Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM CSI: NY (6th Season Premiere)

Thursday, Sept. 24
9:00-10:00 PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION (10th Season Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM THE MENTALIST (2nd Season Premiere)

Friday, Sept. 25
8:00-9:00 PM GHOST WHISPERER (5th Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 PM MEDIUM (Network Debut)
10:00-11:00 PM NUMBERS (6th Season Premiere)

Saturday, Sept. 26
8:00-9:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY
9:00-10:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY
10:00-11:00 PM 48 HOURS MYSTERY (Season Premiere)

Sunday, Sept. 27
7:00-8:00 PM 60 MINUTES (42nd Season Premiere)
8:00-10:00 PM THE AMAZING RACE (15th Edition Premiere)
10:00-11:00 PM COLD CASE (7th Season Premiere)

Sunday, Oct. 4
9:00-10:00 PM THREE RIVERS (Series Debut)

via the live feed

Fringe to add... Some chick...

In news sure to interest only myself and Deal or No Deal enthusiasts, unknown actress Meghan Markle has signed on to join the cast of Fringe in Season Two as "an attractive, brash and quick-witted junior FBI agent." Presumably she's being brought in to replace Kirk Acevedo's character, since it was previously announced that he was leaving the show. A quick glance at Markle's imdb page reveals a pretty scant resume. The downgrade from a Band of Brothers alum to a Deal or No Deal alum seems pretty striking in terms of acting talent. But in terms of T&A, we're going to call this a win. I'm not even saying she's that hot, but a deformed anteater would be an upgrade over Anna Torv at this point.

via Hollywood Reporter

BREAKING: Wisp of black smoke spotted in area of Air France Crash

In what is simultaneously the largest newscast fail of all time and the most triumphant unintentional program plug, a news program in a country where they speak a different language Bolivia has aired these EXCLUSIVE photos of Air France Flight 447's final moments. Warning to bambat readers, these may be quite disturbing:



Perhaps the most tragic part of these terrible images is the death of beloved Canadian actress Evangeline Lilly in the crash. You will be missed, Evangeline.


What's that? Oh, I'm now being told these pictures are actually from Lost. Smooth, Bolivian news editor, smooth. On the bright side, you've totally made my day.

via Jeff Koyen (thanks to ruggedly handsome reader Aaron for the tip)

And the nerds rejoiced

*Neither of the people in this image is the author, which is not to officially deny that any photographic evidence of him in a Battlestar costume exists

Below is the newest trailer for the TV movie follow-up to Battlestar Galactica called The Plan which is scheduled to air in November. Basically it will retell almost the entire four-season story of Battlestar from the perspective of the Cylons. At this point you've either turned away uninterested or are literally hyperventilating in excitement. There's really no middle ground. One thing to be aware of is that the aired version of this is only going to be 88 minutes, while the DVD version will be 126 minutes. This is known in the industry as "give us your fucking frakking money, nerds." And we will. Here's the trailer:

This is not a post about Jeff and Karen Plus Seven

If you visit other tv blogs today you'll probably see coverage about two random people who aren't really celebrities doing something or another. Apparently children are involved. But we're not going to cover that garbage at bambat, because we aren't a real news source. Instead, we bring you content you will get at no other blog... Pictures of Megan Fox on a motorcycle:


What? What's that? Oh...

IS IT SEPTEMBER YET?

"You're getting very sleepy...... It's not the spell, you should probably just change the channel."

This story is from yesterday but I've been busy with a job and a life and just overall not giving a shit, so here it is. I know you've been fervently checking bambat for news about some great summer series'. In the past, I've given the summer slate of reality shite some solid slamming, but I've been ignoring the fact that some networks are at least trying to get some original content out there. And by original, I mean foreign imports.

NBC's Merlin (from the UK) and ABC's Impact (Germany) both debuted on Sunday to boring ratings, defeated by reruns of Fox's animated shows. Who would have guessed a show about a magical boy not named Potter and one about midgets trying to motorboat strippers with EEE breasts* wouldn't find audiences. Actually that second one sounds pretty good. What's wrong with you people?


* I have no idea what Impact is about.


via Hollywood Reporter

Brett's Emmy Picks: Lead Actor - Comedy

Clockwise from left: Zach Braff, Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell, Lee Pace, and Zach Levi

Steve Carell as Michael Scott in The Office

Previous Nominations: 2006, 2007, 2008

I had a big internal debate about this one. On the one hand, it's undeniable that The Office has gone downhill and it's hard to say that Carell isn't partly responsible for that. On the other hand, his interactions with Amy Ryan's Holly (doing her best to try and save the show) this year allowed Michael to almost approach seeming like a normal human being. Almost. Still, props have to be given to Carell for continuing to play such an outlandishly cringe-inducing character with aplomb. I'll make Mike happy by saying that his performance will never approach that of Ricky Gervais (a sentiment I agree with), but for this version of The Office, he's still the shows heart. For better or worse.

Zachary Levi as Chuck Bartowski in Chuck

Previous Nominations: None

As the leading man of the (in my opinion) most underrated show on television, Levi was an easy choice for a nomination here. Chuck has continued to get better and better as it has gone on, and with it Levi has grown more comfortable and capable in his starring role. Maybe its just sympathy for a fellow nerd, but as far as I'm concerned Chuck is the most consistently likable and sympathetic character on television. Levi manages the transition from "regular nerd" to "super secret pseudo-spy" seamlessly and makes you root for Chuck every step of the way. If you haven't checked out the show yet, I highly recommend it (obviously).

Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock

Previous Nominations: 2007, 2008 (won)

I really don't have too much to say here. 30 Rock is a really good show. I like it a lot. Alec Baldwin is very good in it. He won the Emmy last year. He's going to be nominated again this year. He might win. No need for me to waste any words talking about it. Like these words. And these ones. Purple monkey dishwasher.

(when in doubt, Simpsons reference)

Zach Braff as Dr. John "J.D." Dorian in Scrubs

Previous Nominations: 2005

It is absolutely criminal that in eight seasons of Scrubs, Braff has only been nominated once. I don't really understand why - Scrubs has always been among the funniest shows on TV and Braff has always been great on it. Oh, I remember why: Emmy voters are idiots. Well, there are no idiots on this site, and we will give Zach Braff his due. Scrubs has had its ups and downs (mostly ups) but really recaptured a lot of the magic this season after the move to ABC. The show may be continuing without him, and may very well end up being good, but there's no doubt that it will never be the same without J.D. roaming the halls.

Lee Pace as Ned on Pushing Daisies

Previous Nominations: 2008

This nomination is for Mike. I really didn't watch this show, but he swears by it. I asked him for comment:

me: anything to say about Lee Pace?

Mike: besides something about him being the best actor on the best comedy in the 2008-2009 tv season

me: i'll reprint that word for word, seems unbiased
Mike: are you still coming over later to tag team my girlfriend?

There you have it.

The Pick: This might come off as more of a "lifetime achievement award" than anything, but so be it. I can't think of anyone more deserving than Zach Braff, who has given his all for eight seasons with little recognition and fanfare. In a just world, Braff would probably have several Emmys on his mantle by now. In his final season of Scrubs I can't think of a more fitting sendoff than an Emmy win.

The Summer of Couch Part II: Entourage

Note: This is part two in our ongoing series The Summer of Couch


Show: Entourage
Network: HBO
Still on Air: Yes
Seasons: Six (Sixth season premieres soon)
Episodes I got through: Three
Rating: 2/5

What I Loved: Look, I went into this show with the lowest possible expectations. In fact, I was so ashamed after my friend brought it in to me at work that I kept it under the gym bag (that's right, ladies) on my desk all day. When I was walking out with it at the end of the day, I tucked it under my arm with the spine facing up so no one except my own armpit could witness my shame. All that being said, I didn't hate the three episodes I got through nearly as much as I'd hoped. That's not to say I "loved it", but there were some funny moments - most of them from Jeremy Piven's character. Jessica Alba was in one of the episodes I watched (as herself). She's hot. So I loved that. And that's about it.

What I Hated: Really it's not so much that I hated this show but that after watching the first three episodes I didn't really see the point. It's sort of funny I guess, but it also makes you feel dirty and odd for watching it. These people are giant douchebags, am I supposed to be rooting for them or against them? I couldn't tell. Also, maybe it gets better later but they really needed to ease up on the celebrity cameos. Nothing grinds my gears more than annoying celebrities shamelessly self-promoting, and this seemed to fall into that category. And yes, I know I just said I loved that Jessica Alba was in it. I'm a hypocrite like that. I think the point at which I had to sit through the resolution of an imaginary "feud" between one of the characters and Jimmy Kimmel is when it was finally affirmed that this was not the show for me.

The Verdict: In the end, I went into this expecting it to be the worst show ever on television. It wasn't. A show by douchebags, about douchebags, and for douchebags (sorry buddy) certainly. But not the worst show ever. Still, even though I didn't hate the first three episodes with the fire of a thousand suns as I expected, looking at the DVD case by my TV all week I felt no desire to get to episode four. For mildly exceeding my expectations, I give it 2/5, but I feel no strong desire to watch any more of it. Your DVDs will be on my desk tomorrow, pal. Under the gym bag (tickets to the gun show - $9.99).

Clip: Rather than give you a clip from one episode of Entourage, I figured I'd give you this clip of every episode.

Watch Every Week on Entourage and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

CLIP OF THE HAT

Mike's not around this weekend, which means I get to take over the weekly clip post. This seems like a good time for me to post a clip from Arrested Development, considering he probably never will. Yes, three of my last five posts have referenced AD. Whatever, shut up. Here's the clip:

Scrubs goes back to school

What we already knew is that long-running hospital sitcom (and favorite of bambat) Scrubs would be back next year for its ninth season. We also know that the shows star, Zack Braff, along with many others, would not be back. What we didn't know is what the hell Scrubs was going to look like without J.D. Now we know. From Ausiello:

Scrubs boss Bill Lawrence said his cancellation-defying comedy would undergo an extreme makeover in its ninth season, and, man, he wasn't kidding. When the show returns next winter, the action will shift from the hospital to the classroom and make med-school professors of John C. McGinley's Dr. Cox and Donald Faison's Turk.

Color me a hopeless optimist, but I think this can work. McGinley and Faison are more than capable of keeping the show entertaining, even if they don't have the rest of the Scrubs gang (which it appears they won't). That being said, Braff, Judy Reyes, Sarah Chalke, and Ken Jenkins have all agreed to guest spots. Neil Flynn aka The Janitor aka Glenn Matthews is appearing in ABC's The Middle, but perhaps he can make an appearance once that show is canceled after six episodes.

As for the rest of the cast:

Lawrence insists "half the cast, if not 60 percent of it," will be comprised of freshmen, one of which will be more recognizable than the rest. "[ABC] is really after us to hire a big name," he reveals. "So one of them will be fairly famous."

Let the speculation about who that "big name" might be begin. If nothing else, it will certainly be interesting to see if Lawrence can pull it off, especially with some of his energy being directed towards Cougar Town. I know all of bambat will be tuning in. How about you?

via Ausiello

Show you foolishly missed is now the documentary you'll foolishly miss

And now the story of a show so hilarious and groundbreaking that someone actually decided to make a documentary about it. Because you're a mouth-breathing idiot, you didn't watch Arrested Development when it was on the air. No one did, and FOX canceled it after three seasons. Its your loss of course, because it was the most original and funny show of this decade. Just check the DVD sales. Oh, and they're making it a movie. But first, someone decided it would be a good idea to make a documentary about the show. I agree, and thus present you with this trailer so that you may feel bad about how you personally murdered this amazing piece of television. Enjoy:



More info at: http://arresteddevelopmentdoc.com/

Girl you haven't heard of will give you forbidden foot pleasures

I'm not sure who Leighton Meester is other than the fact that she's on Gossip Girl - the girls I stalk seem to talk about that show all the time. I'm guessing if you're of the male persuasion you didn't much care either until this morning when it came out that she has a sex tape. Hey celebrities, stop filming yourself having sex. And by stop I mean keep at it. From *shudder* TMZ:

Spotted ... "Gossip Girl" star Leighton Meester having sex with her BF... on video.

We've learned a Meester tape is being shopped around town. It was shot a few years back, and shows Leighton in mostly innocuous though nude scenes -- with several big exceptions ... one involving her very talented feet.

We're told a company called celebhotline.com is negotiating for the video. The company's spokesperson, Kevin Blatt told us, "We've seen the tape and we're hoping to close the deal."

I've always wondered what it meant when people say "shopped around town". I'm assuming the town is Los Angeles, because that's where these people tend to live, but are there actual shops for this? Or is it just an expression and I've wasted the last fifteen seconds of my life? Anyway, apparently if you're good Leighton Meester will give you a footy (or does that mean soccer?). The tape has already been sold, so if you're perving a dish, WWTDD has (NSFW) photos. Enjoy the rest of your day, sickos.


via TMZ

Why isn't it airing on Lifetime?

You don't know this yet, but your fragile liberal sensibilities were offended by the insinuation I made in the headline. Keep reading to find out why:

The Travel Channel is pounding the pavement to find a few bad motorists.

Cabler has picked up reality competish "The Streets of America: The Search for America's Worst Driver."

Based on an international format that has sold to more than a dozen territories, show puts bad drivers through a series of challenges to find the worst of the bunch.

First of all, fuck you Variety, because I know for a fact that neither "cabler" or "competish" are words. This isn't twitter, you're supposed to be a real magazine. Second of all, this is possibly the worst idea for a tv show I have ever heard. And I've watched True Blood. Yes, let's take people who should not be driving in the first place and encourage them to drive even more poorly in order to win cash and prizes! Hey, why not add alcohol to the mix while we're at it? After all, there aren't consequences for that in this country either - just ask Donte Stallworth (wow, that couldn't have been timed better). Oh, and if you don't understand why I chose that banner pic, you shouldn't be reading this blog.

via Variety

I'LL POP YOUR CULTURE

Dan Meth not only has a questionable last name and website banner (a watermelon with eyes? that's madness!), he also has a penchant for pop culture, as evidenced by this series. Three of them deal with TV sitcoms, two are about movies, and one is Beach Boys' songs. In the "U.S.A. Sitcom Map" I assume "sitcom" is used loosely because it includes shows like Roswell, Murder She Wrote, and Dharma & Greg. The "Trilogy Meter" is also suspect as he neglected to include classics such as the Bourne films and The Mighty Ducks. Shameful. [ed: he also thinks the first Rambo is better than all three Lord of the Rings. Moron. - brett]

Click to enlarge. (If only it was that easy, eh Brett?)

[UPDATE: It seems the thumbs might have NSFW ads. Don't be a pussy though.]






Source: DanMeth.com

bambat's official Emmy party postponed

I know you were excited to taste Mike's seven-layer bean dip, but unfortunately the official bambat Emmy party is going to be pushed back a week after word from CBS that they have moved the Emmys. Early industry speculation is that they were moved back to Sept. 20th (their original date) to allow the voters more time to peruse the official bambat Emmy picks before making their selections. Or something about the VMAs, I didn't really read it. Details on the bambat potluck to follow. Your invitation is in the mail.


via The Live Feed

HEADLINES: VIKING BOWLER EDITION

'Jon & Kate' minus 31%- Get it? See what they've done? Cause the show is 'minus Eight' but they've cleverly used that to make a pun about falling ratings. It's not that hard. "'Little People, Big World' ratings midgeted" "'I Didn't Know I was Pregnant' kicked in stomach" This is fun. (Live Feed)

HBO wipes hands of Artie- Ass next. (NY Post)

'True Blood' gives HBO its biggest audience since 'The Sopranos'- The numbers don't lie; I guess teenage obesity has gone up. (LA Times)

New Jersey 'Real Housewife' Danielle Staub on crime and Botox on 'Today'- One is a serious danger to society and strains our moral fiber. The other is often committed by minorities. (Zing!) (LA Times)

800,000 callers phone digital TV hot line- To no avail. Sex and the City reruns won't be stopped. (Freep.com)

LA County backtracks on HIV cases in porn industry- "We were wrong, you guys are clean... Well not clean, but you know... No I mean, you're clean in that way, the HIV thing, but other ways... No I'm just sayin'... Miss, you have 47 different men on your face." (Boston.com)

The CW would like to remind you of its existence

In news sure to interest your girlfriend (and mine, sadly), The CW has announced its fall premiere schedule. Since we gave blogspace to the announcements of ABC and FOX it is only fair to give you the premiere dates of the red-headed stepchild of major networks. Though to call The CW a major network is kind of like calling... Well, it's kind of like calling something what it isn't. Burn. Take this magical journey together with me: On September 8th we can travel back to the mid-nineties to visit two shows which weren't any good then, and yet somehow manage to be far worse now (don't worry, I've never watched a minute of either). The very next night you can leave your self respect at the door as you tune in to the four thousandth iteration of America's Next Top Model, which as far as I know has yet to yield a single "top model". You can always look forward to such luminaries as The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl. Stop me if you need a minute to contain your excitement. Oh, and Smallville is back. I kind of like that show. Shut up.

The full premiere schedule:

Tuesday, Sept. 8
8:00-9:00 p.m. 90210 (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Melrose Place (Series Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 9
8:00-10:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model (2-Hour Season Premiere)

Thursday, Sept. 10
8:00-9:00 p.m. The Vampire Diaires (Series Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Supernatural (Season Premiere)

Monday, Sept. 14
8:00-9:00 p.m. One Tree Hill (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. Gossip Girl (Season Premiere)

Wednesday, Sept. 16
8:00-9:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model
9:00-10:00 p.m. The Beautiful Life (Series Premiere)

Friday, Sept. 25
8:00-9:00 p.m. Smallville (Season Premiere)
9:00-10:00 p.m. America's Next Top Model (Encore Episodes)

via Ausiello Files

Fine, I'll cover this crap

Look, this isn't a political blog, so I've really been trying to avoid the whole ridiculous Letterman-Palin kerfuffle like the plague. It seems pretty clear to me that Sarah Palin, as she's always been, is a fucking moron (don'tcha know?). And she, as she always has, is seizing on any opportunity to keep herself remotely relevant. Yes, Letterman's joke wasn't funny. A quality it has in common with, wait for it... Pretty much every joke Letterman has ever told. Obviously this "controversy" is not really about the joke at all, nor is it about Sarah Palin's mouth-breathing offspring (I'm just assuming). It's about scoring cheap political points. Let's just ask FOX Noise (all of this is from yesterday morning to afternoon):



I think the only way to settle this is with a bareknuckle boxing match, only all four posts will be equipped with proximity mines.

video via Daily Kos (because I'm a pansy-ass Massachusetts liberal, naturally)